7 & 1/2 Acres

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2004-12-30 - 10:18 a.m.

Ahhh home. Except why's it gotta be THIS place. I'm back to the other side of my cycle again!

We're home! Home! Back from Florida! And hell if I know what I want.

A hundred things about me.

1. I'm back in NC today after a trip to FL to be with Molly's family for the holidays. This was good but also difficult. Family dynamics revisited. Parallels with my own family.

2. I love, love, love, LOVE, LOVE Molly! I dig her bones, her molecules, and every aspect and quirk and thing about her. I'm constantly aware of the blessing that she is--of the joy that I feel just seeing her and knowing that we're in company together. I thank God for her. I thank her for her. I thank the earth and the trees for her. I do, I do to her.

3. I could almost stop with number two but then the rest of my life catches up to me and I'm dissatisfied.

4. I don't know how much longer I can bear the work I do.

5. I need more creativity in my life.

6. I want to do good--to put good in this world and serve that which is outside me (and outside people too--I think it is in the service of the natural world that I want to give).

7. I love animals and plants and the natural world.

8. I often hate people.

9. I hate religion.

10. I hate institutions.

11. I have little faith in humanity.

12. My faith waivers often.

13. I have no patience for fundamentalism or self righteousness of any kind.

14. This is the third time I have written one of these lists in the last month.

15. We did these lists with some of Molly's family members and her Mom's list tore me up. It was as if her own list caught her by surprise and some of the truths were hard to bear.

16. The majority of people I meet seem to me to be very sad or fearful.

17. I honestly do not think fear, nor saddness are primary factors in my life though lately-- well for quite a few years here I've been struggling with dissatisfaction. This may not be true. I may be afraid of committing to friendships. Otherwise, I'm a fairly courageous chap.

18. It seems to me that one of the major themes in a Wes Anderson movie is a character coming to terms that their childhood aspirations and the reality of their lives at thirty, forty, fifty do not match up and that is okay.

19. This past weekend I had a dream where Molly wasn't in my life. I was in my old life. And I was uncontent and dissatisfied and trying to mac on this gal who I didn't even give a shit about but knew I could successfully make the moves with. It was a miserable dream--I was miserable but felt ethically compelled to not mac and be loyal though I had no heart for it. It was quite a wonderful thing to wake to a very different reality.

20. This past weekend I also mourned a passed opportunity of some nine years ago. I was offered the position to oversee the grounds at a school for the deaf and I flatly turned it down. In all truthfullness I don't think I was qualified for the position at the time (maybe) but what struck me this weekend was how different a path my life would of taken had I chosen such a thing. I'm not regretful but I am saddened by the loss of the opportunity. Loss is the key word.

21. I do believe it is time for a change. Due to the circumstances I have placed myself within, it will take some time to make this change, but I think I am wise to the need for it. The change might merely be within me.

22. I think it is time to come in out of the wilderness. When I was at college I set off to hop a freight to grandma's. After a day of it and getting nowhere, I gave up and decided to head back to campus. It was pouring rain by this point and in that decision to return to friends and festivities instead of the self banishment of freight hopping, I realized I that I didn't have to struggle ALL the time--that I could let myself have fun and party.

23. I ended up partying way too much those first two years of school. I have not a single friend (except maybe one) from those very formative years. I am not remorseful about this fact but do wonder if there was a different path there that I could have chosen.

24. I hungry for a community of people who are open-minded, and like-minded to varying degrees. I'm hungry for people to talk to and socialize with, among whom, I can be myself.

25. Oh I'm done with this country living and the Mr Williams and Amys and Kennys and Travises of the world! I don't mean this of course but I do too in the same moment.

26. Give me dirt and trees and QUEERS so that I may live.

27. Imagine.

28. I want access to information and ideas and culture, as well as, plenty of the natural world.

29. I want a life that is not either/or but both in balance.

30. I want children with Molly.

31. I want dogs and cats.

32. I want healthy living and good eating.

33. I want a life free from the constraints of debt.

34. I want a humble and happy existance where the important things are affordable.

35. I want to exercise daily, be it swimming at the Y and steaming in the sauna, or running and biking or sit ups and push ups in the front room.

36. I want to make the most of my life wherever it is.

37. I want to become more active and participatory in local events.

38. I want to learn the topography of where I live.

39. I want to learn the plants and animals of this place too.

40. I want to sleep wonderful sleep.

41. I can be very restless.

42. I have in me this constant need to accomplish something, to do something, even if it is something as mundane as cleaning the kitchen. This ingrained urge makes relaxation quite difficult. This past year I have tried to overcome this impulse and to do nothing. Right now really doesn't count as I'm doing this. I may regret it in at the end of the day. Or, I'll feel energized by it. Maybe this'll count.

43. I dislike mice and the especially the shit they leave around. I wouldn't mind them so much if I didn't know of their role in so many of history's plagues. I don't mind spiders in the least, even the droppings of their insect feasts. I intentionally try to not vacuum them when cleaning house.

44. This house is too cluttered for my liking. I want it pared down to the very essentials with a few choice and well loved adornments. As it is, there's too much stuff. I want clean spaces and sparseness with significance in small things. I have a modern aesthetic combined with a wabi-sabi sensibility and an interest in green living.

45. I always cleaned the studio before making anything new. I need a clean space in order to create. I no longer have a studio but still need a clean space in order to have my head clear. I have been living in this clutter for three years or so and ho, I'm tired of it. But I'm still a long way to go.

46. I want to find an inner peace so strong that clutter will not bother me.

47. I sometimes feel as if I infringe on territory where I should not rightfully tread.

48. I mourn the loss of certain friends more than the separation with my ex-spouse. I doubt that the friendships that were ruined will ever be repaired. I am learning how to completely let go.

49. I wish France well, completely and fully. I bid her good tidings in her new life.

50. I think I have been quite inept at this living and have learned much about how it all happens. I can't say I'd do anything different, for as much as I'm sometimes currently miserable, I love who with where I am.

51. I think I am quite depressed. I woke this morning feeling this way but I think it's a more monumental feeling for me these days than just this morning. I am monumentally depressed. I'm not sure if I've ever been in a state such as this.

52. I've been spinning on the past a lot lately. I'm mourning for my whole life.

53. I have no friends and this fact bothers me greatly. It seems only appropriate that I have no friends as I've not ever been quite the one to commit to friendship. I always preferred for the bonds to be quite loose except with a few individuals. Somewhere in my early childhood development I read that I was the type to have many acquaintances, but only a few deep and lasting friendships. When I say I have no friends, what I really mean is I've lost these few individuals, the lasting friendships and I'm terribly sad for this. Even the more peripheral folks, I now selfishly want close.

54. And even now, there are friendships out there that I am neglecting.

55. I feel quite inept at the social aspects required of this living. I am repeating myself. I have made no mention of my biological family here, Why is that?

56. I'm very aware that the new year is almost on us, indeed, that is the motive behind this list.

57. I desperately want to move. Did I say this alreeady?

58. What's a friendship with a man who when one's beliefs are laid out on the table will know you no more. I don't know this--it may be me. Why do I look to friendships with people with whom I am so different from and then get upset when they don't work out? I think I truly am afraid of folks so if they don't matter, I'm less afraid.

59. Fuck you Goddamn religion!!!

60. I'm a new born nonbeliever (in Religion--I believe in God because the evidence is all around me, it's in everything that ticks).

61. Fuck Religion!

62. I want to live in a city surrounded by a million people.

63. I want to ride my bike everywhere I go.

64. I want to have a place to walk the dogs--little enclaves of the natural world within a metropolis.

65. I want a vacant lot to grow vegetables in.

66. I want to live off our own produce, off our own food for days upon days.

67. When our produce is not fresh, I want to eat our own canned goods and preserves and dried things.

68. I want to garden using the sun so that the growing season lasts almost all year.

69. I want to have a community to which I'm an active participant.

70. I want plenty of solitary time (in the gleeful company of Molly and the dogs and cats).

71. I want to converse with Leonard through long and carefully considered letters.

72. I may want to write daily.

73. I want to exercise daily.

74. I want to be on my bike passing cars stuck in rush hour traffic.

75. I want time to create.

76. I want a comfortable financial living.

77. I want to feel peace and joy in my heart. And sadness when the occasion arises.

78. I want to be close to God.

79. I want babies and children and to raise a family with Molly.

80. I want to practice yoga. And to swim almost daily.

81. I want to contribute goodness to this world.

82. I want good sleep.

83. I want to be able to find happiness for myself in these hard times and to have the strength and the wisdom to see myself through without dodging the issues.

84. I want to always be aware of my daily blessings in this life-- to cherish them and be thankful and grateful for God's mercy and grace upon me.

85. I want to make more time in my life for study...for reading and contemplation and writing.

86. I want to quit this whining. I'm about sick of this spinning, spinning, spinning, that I've been doing on my life. I want to be self aware but not self absorbed.

87. I want to stop the brain spin and begin to do. When tired, rest.

88. Do nothing.

89. Wabi-Sabi.

90. Learn.

91. Breathe.

92. Observe.

93. Listen

94. Love. Love. Love.

95. Forgive.

96. Cherish.

97. Accept Grace.

98. Accept Mercy.

99. Use this brief time to the fullest.

100. Remember that I am completely insignificant.


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