7 & 1/2 Acres

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2004-05-29 - 7:53 p.m.

It's what, May 29th, 2004. I haven't been here since December of last year so I thought I'd start by reading through a few of last year's entries. Man, that was a foreign thing. Maybe the foreigness would of worn off if I'd of stuck with it but I only made it through two--a bunch of Md moaning (which ain't foreign but is all too familiar) and some transition pep (the pep is all gone, believe me).

Anyway, we just got out of The Day after Tomorrow at the Asheboro mall. It was refreshing to contemplate this world being wiped out of people but predictably our heros survive and unfortunately our nation lives on. A few more coats for the new ice age is all and business booms for North Face.

I'm reading Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian for the second time. This following John Krakauer's Under the Banner of Heaven. Next on the list is The Hot Zone. I'm presently fascinated by the eradication of our species be it through fundamentalism, sheer violence, or disease. Bring it on baby, bring it on.

I'd say I'm miserable but it wouldn't be true. It wouldn't be far off either. It's the stress that's causing these escapist doomsday fantasies. Ahh what bliss to be shot through the hip, scalped, and have the dust stuck to my raw skull.

This weekend brings to a close a two week straight run of work. Two weeks following who knows how many weeks with maybe a day off here or there. I don't even know what our daily average is but from dawn til way past dusk we're usually at it. These two weeks also included a business flight out to Houston where I bought a truck on the company's behalf and drove the behemouth back. She's a beaut but the trip was pure gruel. I arrived home midmorning Sunday and a 24 hour working stretch to get up early Monday to get back at it.

Business class was in some ways jarring enough. Flying is luxery enough for me (though definitly unpreferred as a mode of travel) and to be bumped to business with the cashier's check that I carried for the truck, I certainly felt out of self. I'm operating in a different world now. I've had to shift my thinking and my perspectives. I still have many of the same ambitions that I've had with Samuel Mockbee as my ultimate hero; my approach to the realization of these dreams is different. I've settled on the notion that I've got to pay my own bills first before I can help others with theirs. I'm in a hole of debt and I'm trying to get out as efficiently and as quickly as possible so that I'm no longer ruled by financial constraints. I want freedom.

I also want time. The time that comes from not having to work every second in the day in order to pay the bills but also the time that comes from having a clear sense of my own priorities and vision. And the strength of character to not place everyone else's priorities above my own. This includes the ones I love. The ones I love understand this and wish this for me too, but it is ultimately me who must decide what I do and don't do. I way too easily will help get up hay, dig a french drain, hold a board, go to Houston, bid a job. In a slightly different respect, I'll also way too easily hold my tongue, quiet my sentiments, and be passable when truthfully I need to contradict.

This is my Memorial Day weekend reflection piece and so...At one time I feared that I would loose this place and now it is this place that makes me weary. The sheer amount of work, the length of the distance to go (and that's in both commute and time to get the work done)tire me out. This, plus the proximity to the road and the daily threat of them fuckin' drivers to our dogs and the ease for my neighbor to stop in for an extra hand keep me a bit on edge around here. I feel like I haven't relaxed in a while and if I can ever gear up to it, it seems to fall on a Sunday when there are them fucking christians across the street. I, by the way, have had enough of them fucking christians and am presently in a I HATE YOU FUCKING CHRISTIANS!!! phase. I presently lump ALL christians together and my hate is across the board. My tolerance for rednecks has also dropped considerably and I unabashedly told Elrod (a redneck) to piss the fuck off. I'm not quite ashamed of this though as he was starting to come around a bit too much and my method seems to have worked. I am still nice to the folks at CarQuest and the Tank and Tummy (the science fiction/fantasy reader anyway) as they are genuinely nice people and have been good to me and to a diverse mix of others. The romance has long worn bare with this place which is what one needs to have happen if one wants to know a place and honestly be part of it. I have a role here in this town and sometimes I get tired of it.

The adverse affect of my current hate towards the christians is that I've had a bit diminished in my own God relationship. God is still there, I'm just working on what the framework and reference is going to be. I'm having a hard time stomaching the predominace of The Lord in everyday affairs around here that it has seeped into my own personal home like diesel on my skin. Yuck. I've been though this before and seems I need to go through it again before I can figure these things out and come to some kind of peace and truth for myself.

As for the love in my life, here, I smile. I say the world can end for I do not fear it. I am full and glad. Each day given, here, I will give more. There is no need for reserves for this is the place where my reserves grow. The dogs and the cats and this wonderful person I am so thankful and grateful for.

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