|
7 & 1/2 Acres |
2004-10-25 - 2:00 p.m. Truth be told, I feel about downright desperate. And that Karma has come back to teach me. What has been done, will be done--this time to me. And that's about the truth of it. Alright, let's see if I can get this out. I think that in my life I have, at times, been inappropriately public with how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. There's an honesty to this, but there's also a shirking of responsibility-- a passing it on to a public realm when it's really one's own shit that they need to deal with. I hope I'm learning this... this balance between what is and should be private and what needs to be made public. The grey zone is large. The distinction is important and can be crucial. It can make the difference between good and bad art, true friendships, sincere or agenda oriented activism. In my case, what I'm concerned with here is in regards to friendship and my connections with people. I'm feeling downright lonely. Lonely. That's not an easy thing for me to admit. Now that I've stated it, it's not so bad, but that's what it is. I'm Lonely! I'm lonely for friendship. I'm definitly not lonely for Love, not self-love or companion-love. I've got that and I celebrate it every day. Digress: Here's a Shout Out to the Girl I Love!!! I love her! I dig her down to her protons and neutrons! I love her cells! I love, love, love her. And I love my family and I love our animals. In these things, though there is always room for growth, I am full and blessed. Very blessed. I am also not lonely in my occupation--in this quest for more fulfilment. I am content with where I am presently in my work and I am content with where I can possibly go with it. It is not a resigned contentment but rather something that I am aware of and believe in. The list of all of this makes me feel better. Eases the lonliness for what I crave which is friendship. This is how I am...a long time ago a friend dissed a friend. I took sides and thus dissed him (as I was wont to lean towards the girls and ready to dissaprove of the boys) and in a heartbeat, dropped this bud cold. That's number one on this mental list. But these's contact after contact which I've quietly or quickly slipped out of and let slip away. I mean, of course there are those relationships which you want to disengage from but there are also those which the disengagement, for me, was matter of practice whether I wanted to be friends or not. In so many ways, I feel like I've practiced a life of disengagement and shallow--very shallow friendships. It's been my median to not become connected with anyone. I've used this technique as a crutch for insecurities around other folks, I've used it to bear other folks, and now I do belive it's outserved its function. But, as I realize this, the function has been done and there is no one left. Which is why I'm lonely! And, it's also why I don't expect any new-found or old-found friends to come my way anytime too soon. It's the same principle as in tree work--if you're hard up and really want the job, you'll never get it; if you don't care, you'll have it in the bag. This reality hits me sometimes and I just want to mourn. So, this is my ode to them certain folks out there (them certain folks which are actually still with me, I send you wet kisses). I apologize and wish I could have been more (while with the awareness that, at the time, I couldn't have). I ask forgiveness and I bid you well wishes. I ask to be washed clean and for all of this to start anew.
|