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7 & 1/2 Acres |
2004-06-09 - 10:29 a.m. Rain day. Catch up on paperwork and get some of these damn microinjections ordered. I can jump on board or overboard in a heartbeat but this time I'm swimming. I've got Yo La Tengo on. Man. Through the brain, their stuff is. The reverberations. Move my soul, they do. Fear. Fear. Tied up in the fear is worry, shame, doubt, desire. If it doesn't work, then what happens? Well, let's say it's even. Then I'm back where I started from, exactly. But, there would be a couple of options at this juncture. ONE: I could continue the course. TWO: Start over. THREE: Find a way to make the sped up new plan work. Realistically, continuing the course isn't an option. It might be but the cost would be very, very high. It'd tax my soul, my spirit. The dogs. Unless there were some major changes. Would work if I found some unknown resource from within, some kind of determination which I doubt exists. Which I don't want to exist. Temporarily moving to G'town to cut down communting time might help make this possible but then there'd be what we do with this place here. We could temporarily rent it but then there'd be the realistic question about getting it ready for rent with my current commitments. Moving would cut the cost down on the dogs in some ways but not in others. But, if we were to temporarily rent this place, move to G'town, and hang in there for a bit, we might could come out ahead. But then there'd be the added expense of renting a place. The raise in pay might compensate for this but the equation is iffy and tight. The other question here is how I'd find the time to get this place ready. It'd be make some major changes, stay the course, then back to the New Plan. How to get it all done would be the tough part for this option. I'm already tapped out every second as it is and can't sustain this too much longer. And the financial benefits would really have to be something extraordinaire to make it worth it. I work too fuckin' hard and have about had enough of it. TWO: I'm not going to return to where I was. It's an impossability and I'm smarter than that. Also, anyway you look at it, I'm in a different place. I am also not going to move to MD. I'm past that. I love my folks dearly and know there are all kinds of possabilities for me there but it'd drain me dry. THREE: I could make the sped up new plan work. I think this'd be realistic. It might involve outside backing but I think that with the people and resources I've gained this year, I could make that happen. It also might mean not as much as fast but it would mean time. Time to breathe, to think, to sleep, to be with the dogs, the land, this place, the peach trees, the garden, the pecans. There are ways and this third option would allow me the time to investigate these ways and find the ways to make it all happen. Backing would probably be the biggest stumbling block but if the plan is sound, it should come together. If it's not sound, I'd want to know it and wouldn't want to pursue it anyway. With time would also come the ethicalness that I want in my life. It'd be an ethical move in every regard. The only thing would be not as much as fast which might also be ethical in itself. So, it'll all work out. Seems it always does but is funny how I always forget this fact. OK, so I simply stay the course and then make the sped up version of the new plan happen. I can do this. Relief. Man, fear sucks. I was worried. Jump ship. Climb on board. Jump ship. Make it to land. We'll get there. I'm glad it's a rain day.
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