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7 & 1/2 Acres |
2004-11-13 - 8:54 a.m. That's it. I've finally reached it. I'm a nothing mess, I'm on my nerves to no end and want out of this fucking skin. Urrg. I've been in this house too fucking long and my patience is no more. Oh, arrg, shit. I feel like I could loose my breath. Thing is I know I won't but I wish I would--to unconsciousness and be gone for a while. From the get go--last Friday I knew I'd have to pace myself--that this confiment for me would be like running a 100 mile marathon (oh how I'd prefer the marathon). I felt from the beginning that it wasn't going to be just a cold. So why'd I wait so long to go to the doc. Alright. This is a bunch of jibberish. A bunch of drool. I'm trying to get this angst out and bring the calm back. All week I've been keeping the angst at bay, calmly reading, quietly petting the dogs. I'll be better by Monday. We'll get this house done in due time and we'll refiance. We'll paint the house before truly cold weather sets in. It'll all come together, piece by piece, step by step. I just need to be patient and have faith. I'll spend the day reading and resting. I can clean this desk, mail last year's taxes, sort our bills, and get our application information together. I will remain calm and will not be restless. I am to remain present in my skin and quit these stupid questions about purpose and effort and good. I will breathe and take my vitamins and be here with Molly and the dogs. It's been a rough week spinning on so much time and with the haunt of a loss which still has me mourning. Deeply. I think I truthfully care more for the creatures and the plants than I do the people in this world. This statement isn't a hundred percent true but it's close.
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